Friday, February 9, 2007

Why I hate Bill Simmons

Bill Simmons is a writer for known as the Sports Guy . Here are the reasons that I hate him:

1. He is a fan of teams that I hate

I hate the New England Patriots with a passion since I am an Indianapolis Colts fan. Bill Simmons has long proclaimed that they are the model franchise in sports as they have won 3 Superbowls in 4 years, but I don't remember since it was so long ago. Seriously, who remembers what happened last year? Wait, the Patriots didn't win last year either? Huh, seems like they can't get it done in the postseason anymore. When was the last time the Colts won the Superbowl? Oh yeah, less than a week ago. Tom Brady and Bill Belichick are good at what they do, especially Brady, and I respect them. But I do not respect Bill Simmons and his attitude about the Pats, like the fact that he was from Boston and wrote about sports made him an honorary member of the team. All he did was jump on their bandwagon as soon as they were good. Did he even write about the Pats in 2002 when they went 9-7? In 2003 they go 14-2 and in every other column he was licking their asshole.

He also loves the Boston Celtics. Now, I don't believe in kicking a franchise when they are down...unless Bill Simmons likes them so here we go. They suck. They have sucked for many, many years. They have won 16 championships, but the last one came 20 years ago when NBA players still wore shorts that turned on Bill's namesake, Richard Simmons. The only link to the glory of yesteryear died a few months ago, and Red Auerbach was an overrated cocksucker who disparaged Phil Jackson for only winning with talented players like Jordan and Pippen with the Bulls, Shaq and Kobe with the Lakers. Let's take a look at who Auerbach won with:

Bob Cousy
Bill Russell
Bill Sharman
Frank Ramsey
John Havlicek
Sam Jones
Tom Heinsohn

Poor Red. It must have been hard trying to win with such a lack of talent. Only 7 Hall of Famers? How did he survive? Bill's hero is Larry Bird. Well Larry looks like the next guy showing up at that house where Chris Hansen lives. Chris will be waiting for him with a transcript from a chat where Larry, under screen name FrenchLicker33, solicited a 13 year old girl to palm his balls. But in terms of the Celtics all you need to know is this, the Celtics are 9 games behind the New York Knicks in the standings and the Knicks are 6 games below .500 and coached by Isiah Thomas.

He also likes the Red Sox (who I actually like cause they employ Dominicans), Suns (who I hate because of their whiny leader with the bird face, Steve Nash), and other teams and players whose bandwagon he jumps on like the Clippers, Oden, Durant, etc.

He also sucks.

2. He hates teams and players that I love

I love the Colts. Bill Simmons has gone out of his way to make Peyton Manning and Marvin Harrison seem like douchebags. Yeah, they are everything that is wrong with sports cause they don't get in trouble, represent themselves well, and are extremely professional. Who needs that in sports? He also came up with the Peyton Manning face. The face Peyton makes when his team or he does something bad. I have seen that face before. I saw it on Elway during the Jacksonville game in 96. I saw it on Montana during the 89 NFC championship. I saw it on Brady during the 05 game with Denver when he lost to Jake Plummer and when Troy Brown ran the wrong route in this year's AFC Championship. I saw it on Marino every year. This is the face that great QBs make when they lose playoff games. It hurts them cause they know they can do better. And this face should be ridiculed?
I love the Lakers, and Bill hates Kobe. Bill HATES Kobe. He rips him at every opportunity even when he does amazing things. More on this in section 3.
I love USC football and Louisville Cardinal basketball, and he hates Pete Carroll and Rick Pitino for their tenure in the NFL and NBA, respectively, because of what they did during their time in Boston. More of this in section 3.
3. He is a hypocrite of the highest order
In the Dante's Hell of Hypocrites, Bill Simmons is being chewed in Satan's mouth for eternity. Let's look at the depth of his hypocracy:
  • He constantly calling out players for being pussy whipped, most notably Doug Christie. But he allowed his wife to post a column during his football picks about the FUCKING RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN BRAD PITT, ANGELINA JOLIE, AND JENNIFER ANISTON. Are you fucking serious? Is there a topic that a man who likes vagina would rather not talk about than that stupid relationship? We want an article on football and he has Us Weekly on the side! And he let her pick games. And she WON! Not just 1 game or 1 week or 1 month, she was better for the entire season!!! INCLUDING PLAYOFFS!!!! AND HE LET THIS HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did he hold up his pinkie in recognition everytime she finished her picks, bowing to her superiority? Any man who allows his wife to show him up when it comes to football knowledge, and publishes it for thousands to read, is just as whipped as Mr. Christie. Of course, a hypocrite like Simmons will not acknowledge this, but we all know that the following equation has been proved by Will Hunting:

Bill Simmons = Pussy Whipped.

  • He had 2 columns about Kobe during the 2005-06 season. The 1st called Kobe out for not staying in against the Mavericks when he had 62 at the end of 3 quarters and going for more points. He said Kobe was selfish. The 2nd column ripped Kobe for staying in the game against the Raptors and scoring 81 points. He said Kobe was selfish. I am not making this up. If you happen to have an ESPN Insider pass look at the following links for proof, and This is the unforgivable, have it both ways bullshit that he pulls all the time, and I hate him for it.
  • He thinks that Rick Pitino and Pete Carroll aren't good coaches because they stunk when they were at Boston. They did stink with their Boston teams, but now they are both great coaches who have won at their next stop. Carroll has been incredible at USC (Thanks to a lot of cheating) and Rick has been pretty good with the Cardinals (Not great, but the 1st Final Four appearance in 18 years is worth the past two years of mediocre crap). But since they sucked in Boston, they aren't allowed to be good now, according to the God of Sports, Bill Simmons. But that doesn't apply to his one true love, Bill Belichick. When Bill was with the Browns, he sucked giant donkey balls. He went 36-44 and only 1 playoff appearance. He cut the players that the fans loved and didn't improve the team. He failed miserably. But now he is a genius who can do no wrong? If he doesn't have to be judged by the mess in Cleveland, then Pitino and Carroll do not need to be judged by their time in Boston. But that is for normal people, not uber hypocrites like Bill Simmons.
  • Bill mocked the Yankees fans for being sore losers, but then he did the exact same thing when the Colts, who have now beaten the Patriots 3 straight times including the AFC championship, win. He pouts like Britney Spears when she doesn't get her daily pound of chocolate. He even refused to write a column about the Superbowl because he knew that all those fans he spit on when the Pats were always winning would relish it. But he wrote about 10 columns in 2004 regarding the Red Sox, and he dismissed Yankees fans who said that they were 25 championships behind now. 2 years later, he is being his typical hypocrite by saying that the Colts fans should call him when they win their 3rd. By the way, that will be 2 years from now.

These are just a few examples, but he simply does not think that people have memories. Well I do. And from now on, everytime he fucks up, I will catch him.

4. He is not a good writer

Bill is not a bad writer. His topics are funny, and he writes about what people actually care about. But his prose is horrible. Here is an example of how Bill writes:

"24 should have the Peyton Manning face as President. Who wouldn't watch that? Seriously."

His prose is stilted and pedestrian, as is his word choice, and he barely ever varies his formula. You should actually count the times during a column that he does the "Who wouldn't watch/like/want this? Seriously." trick. The number is staggering. Also, a grown man who uses the word "Giddy" 8 or 9 times in a 5000 word column is either a bad writer or slightly mentally retarded. If you want great prose at ESPN check out Easterbrook's TMQ. Who wouldn't read him? Seriously.

5. He is secretly a racist

I believe that all white people born in Boston are racists. I can't prove it, but I feel it coming through in his column.

6. His actual voice is like a prepubescent child

Have you heard him speak? He sounds like the teenager who always works at the movie theater or Krusty burger in Springfield. How can anyone take this guy seriously when he questions someone's manhood? He sounds like a fucking child!!! Like a fucking child who want his mommy!!!!

There will be more to come in the next few months. Everytime he says something stupid, I will be there to let you all know about it.

Fuck Bill Simmons

Fuck him in his fucking ear