He also sucks.
- He constantly calling out players for being pussy whipped, most notably Doug Christie. But he allowed his wife to post a column during his football picks about the FUCKING RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN BRAD PITT, ANGELINA JOLIE, AND JENNIFER ANISTON. Are you fucking serious? Is there a topic that a man who likes vagina would rather not talk about than that stupid relationship? We want an article on football and he has Us Weekly on the side! And he let her pick games. And she WON! Not just 1 game or 1 week or 1 month, she was better for the entire season!!! INCLUDING PLAYOFFS!!!! AND HE LET THIS HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did he hold up his pinkie in recognition everytime she finished her picks, bowing to her superiority? Any man who allows his wife to show him up when it comes to football knowledge, and publishes it for thousands to read, is just as whipped as Mr. Christie. Of course, a hypocrite like Simmons will not acknowledge this, but we all know that the following equation has been proved by Will Hunting:
Bill Simmons = Pussy Whipped.
- He had 2 columns about Kobe during the 2005-06 season. The 1st called Kobe out for not staying in against the Mavericks when he had 62 at the end of 3 quarters and going for more points. He said Kobe was selfish. The 2nd column ripped Kobe for staying in the game against the Raptors and scoring 81 points. He said Kobe was selfish. I am not making this up. If you happen to have an ESPN Insider pass look at the following links for proof, http://proxy.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/060124 and http://proxy.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/060110. This is the unforgivable, have it both ways bullshit that he pulls all the time, and I hate him for it.
- He thinks that Rick Pitino and Pete Carroll aren't good coaches because they stunk when they were at Boston. They did stink with their Boston teams, but now they are both great coaches who have won at their next stop. Carroll has been incredible at USC (Thanks to a lot of cheating) and Rick has been pretty good with the Cardinals (Not great, but the 1st Final Four appearance in 18 years is worth the past two years of mediocre crap). But since they sucked in Boston, they aren't allowed to be good now, according to the God of Sports, Bill Simmons. But that doesn't apply to his one true love, Bill Belichick. When Bill was with the Browns, he sucked giant donkey balls. He went 36-44 and only 1 playoff appearance. He cut the players that the fans loved and didn't improve the team. He failed miserably. But now he is a genius who can do no wrong? If he doesn't have to be judged by the mess in Cleveland, then Pitino and Carroll do not need to be judged by their time in Boston. But that is for normal people, not uber hypocrites like Bill Simmons.
- Bill mocked the Yankees fans for being sore losers, but then he did the exact same thing when the Colts, who have now beaten the Patriots 3 straight times including the AFC championship, win. He pouts like Britney Spears when she doesn't get her daily pound of chocolate. He even refused to write a column about the Superbowl because he knew that all those fans he spit on when the Pats were always winning would relish it. But he wrote about 10 columns in 2004 regarding the Red Sox, and he dismissed Yankees fans who said that they were 25 championships behind now. 2 years later, he is being his typical hypocrite by saying that the Colts fans should call him when they win their 3rd. By the way, that will be 2 years from now.
These are just a few examples, but he simply does not think that people have memories. Well I do. And from now on, everytime he fucks up, I will catch him.
4. He is not a good writer
Bill is not a bad writer. His topics are funny, and he writes about what people actually care about. But his prose is horrible. Here is an example of how Bill writes:
"24 should have the Peyton Manning face as President. Who wouldn't watch that? Seriously."
His prose is stilted and pedestrian, as is his word choice, and he barely ever varies his formula. You should actually count the times during a column that he does the "Who wouldn't watch/like/want this? Seriously." trick. The number is staggering. Also, a grown man who uses the word "Giddy" 8 or 9 times in a 5000 word column is either a bad writer or slightly mentally retarded. If you want great prose at ESPN check out Easterbrook's TMQ. Who wouldn't read him? Seriously.
5. He is secretly a racist
I believe that all white people born in Boston are racists. I can't prove it, but I feel it coming through in his column.
6. His actual voice is like a prepubescent child
Have you heard him speak? He sounds like the teenager who always works at the movie theater or Krusty burger in Springfield. How can anyone take this guy seriously when he questions someone's manhood? He sounds like a fucking child!!! Like a fucking child who want his mommy!!!!
There will be more to come in the next few months. Everytime he says something stupid, I will be there to let you all know about it.
Fuck Bill Simmons
Fuck him in his fucking ear