Friday, February 9, 2007

Why I hate Bill Simmons


Bill Simmons is a writer for ESPN.com known as the Sports Guy . Here are the reasons that I hate him:


1. He is a fan of teams that I hate

I hate the New England Patriots with a passion since I am an Indianapolis Colts fan. Bill Simmons has long proclaimed that they are the model franchise in sports as they have won 3 Superbowls in 4 years, but I don't remember since it was so long ago. Seriously, who remembers what happened last year? Wait, the Patriots didn't win last year either? Huh, seems like they can't get it done in the postseason anymore. When was the last time the Colts won the Superbowl? Oh yeah, less than a week ago. Tom Brady and Bill Belichick are good at what they do, especially Brady, and I respect them. But I do not respect Bill Simmons and his attitude about the Pats, like the fact that he was from Boston and wrote about sports made him an honorary member of the team. All he did was jump on their bandwagon as soon as they were good. Did he even write about the Pats in 2002 when they went 9-7? In 2003 they go 14-2 and in every other column he was licking their asshole.

He also loves the Boston Celtics. Now, I don't believe in kicking a franchise when they are down...unless Bill Simmons likes them so here we go. They suck. They have sucked for many, many years. They have won 16 championships, but the last one came 20 years ago when NBA players still wore shorts that turned on Bill's namesake, Richard Simmons. The only link to the glory of yesteryear died a few months ago, and Red Auerbach was an overrated cocksucker who disparaged Phil Jackson for only winning with talented players like Jordan and Pippen with the Bulls, Shaq and Kobe with the Lakers. Let's take a look at who Auerbach won with:

Bob Cousy
Bill Russell
Bill Sharman
Frank Ramsey
John Havlicek
Sam Jones
Tom Heinsohn

Poor Red. It must have been hard trying to win with such a lack of talent. Only 7 Hall of Famers? How did he survive? Bill's hero is Larry Bird. Well Larry looks like the next guy showing up at that house where Chris Hansen lives. Chris will be waiting for him with a transcript from a chat where Larry, under screen name FrenchLicker33, solicited a 13 year old girl to palm his balls. But in terms of the Celtics all you need to know is this, the Celtics are 9 games behind the New York Knicks in the standings and the Knicks are 6 games below .500 and coached by Isiah Thomas.

He also likes the Red Sox (who I actually like cause they employ Dominicans), Suns (who I hate because of their whiny leader with the bird face, Steve Nash), and other teams and players whose bandwagon he jumps on like the Clippers, Oden, Durant, etc.

He also sucks.

2. He hates teams and players that I love

I love the Colts. Bill Simmons has gone out of his way to make Peyton Manning and Marvin Harrison seem like douchebags. Yeah, they are everything that is wrong with sports cause they don't get in trouble, represent themselves well, and are extremely professional. Who needs that in sports? He also came up with the Peyton Manning face. The face Peyton makes when his team or he does something bad. I have seen that face before. I saw it on Elway during the Jacksonville game in 96. I saw it on Montana during the 89 NFC championship. I saw it on Brady during the 05 game with Denver when he lost to Jake Plummer and when Troy Brown ran the wrong route in this year's AFC Championship. I saw it on Marino every year. This is the face that great QBs make when they lose playoff games. It hurts them cause they know they can do better. And this face should be ridiculed?
I love the Lakers, and Bill hates Kobe. Bill HATES Kobe. He rips him at every opportunity even when he does amazing things. More on this in section 3.
I love USC football and Louisville Cardinal basketball, and he hates Pete Carroll and Rick Pitino for their tenure in the NFL and NBA, respectively, because of what they did during their time in Boston. More of this in section 3.
3. He is a hypocrite of the highest order
In the Dante's Hell of Hypocrites, Bill Simmons is being chewed in Satan's mouth for eternity. Let's look at the depth of his hypocracy:
  • He constantly calling out players for being pussy whipped, most notably Doug Christie. But he allowed his wife to post a column during his football picks about the FUCKING RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN BRAD PITT, ANGELINA JOLIE, AND JENNIFER ANISTON. Are you fucking serious? Is there a topic that a man who likes vagina would rather not talk about than that stupid relationship? We want an article on football and he has Us Weekly on the side! And he let her pick games. And she WON! Not just 1 game or 1 week or 1 month, she was better for the entire season!!! INCLUDING PLAYOFFS!!!! AND HE LET THIS HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did he hold up his pinkie in recognition everytime she finished her picks, bowing to her superiority? Any man who allows his wife to show him up when it comes to football knowledge, and publishes it for thousands to read, is just as whipped as Mr. Christie. Of course, a hypocrite like Simmons will not acknowledge this, but we all know that the following equation has been proved by Will Hunting:

Bill Simmons = Pussy Whipped.

  • He had 2 columns about Kobe during the 2005-06 season. The 1st called Kobe out for not staying in against the Mavericks when he had 62 at the end of 3 quarters and going for more points. He said Kobe was selfish. The 2nd column ripped Kobe for staying in the game against the Raptors and scoring 81 points. He said Kobe was selfish. I am not making this up. If you happen to have an ESPN Insider pass look at the following links for proof, http://proxy.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/060124 and http://proxy.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/060110. This is the unforgivable, have it both ways bullshit that he pulls all the time, and I hate him for it.
  • He thinks that Rick Pitino and Pete Carroll aren't good coaches because they stunk when they were at Boston. They did stink with their Boston teams, but now they are both great coaches who have won at their next stop. Carroll has been incredible at USC (Thanks to a lot of cheating) and Rick has been pretty good with the Cardinals (Not great, but the 1st Final Four appearance in 18 years is worth the past two years of mediocre crap). But since they sucked in Boston, they aren't allowed to be good now, according to the God of Sports, Bill Simmons. But that doesn't apply to his one true love, Bill Belichick. When Bill was with the Browns, he sucked giant donkey balls. He went 36-44 and only 1 playoff appearance. He cut the players that the fans loved and didn't improve the team. He failed miserably. But now he is a genius who can do no wrong? If he doesn't have to be judged by the mess in Cleveland, then Pitino and Carroll do not need to be judged by their time in Boston. But that is for normal people, not uber hypocrites like Bill Simmons.
  • Bill mocked the Yankees fans for being sore losers, but then he did the exact same thing when the Colts, who have now beaten the Patriots 3 straight times including the AFC championship, win. He pouts like Britney Spears when she doesn't get her daily pound of chocolate. He even refused to write a column about the Superbowl because he knew that all those fans he spit on when the Pats were always winning would relish it. But he wrote about 10 columns in 2004 regarding the Red Sox, and he dismissed Yankees fans who said that they were 25 championships behind now. 2 years later, he is being his typical hypocrite by saying that the Colts fans should call him when they win their 3rd. By the way, that will be 2 years from now.

These are just a few examples, but he simply does not think that people have memories. Well I do. And from now on, everytime he fucks up, I will catch him.

4. He is not a good writer

Bill is not a bad writer. His topics are funny, and he writes about what people actually care about. But his prose is horrible. Here is an example of how Bill writes:

"24 should have the Peyton Manning face as President. Who wouldn't watch that? Seriously."

His prose is stilted and pedestrian, as is his word choice, and he barely ever varies his formula. You should actually count the times during a column that he does the "Who wouldn't watch/like/want this? Seriously." trick. The number is staggering. Also, a grown man who uses the word "Giddy" 8 or 9 times in a 5000 word column is either a bad writer or slightly mentally retarded. If you want great prose at ESPN check out Easterbrook's TMQ. Who wouldn't read him? Seriously.

5. He is secretly a racist

I believe that all white people born in Boston are racists. I can't prove it, but I feel it coming through in his column.

6. His actual voice is like a prepubescent child

Have you heard him speak? He sounds like the teenager who always works at the movie theater or Krusty burger in Springfield. How can anyone take this guy seriously when he questions someone's manhood? He sounds like a fucking child!!! Like a fucking child who want his mommy!!!!

There will be more to come in the next few months. Everytime he says something stupid, I will be there to let you all know about it.

Fuck Bill Simmons

Fuck him in his fucking ear

20 comments:

The Irish Nomad said...

Couldn't agree more. The last straw was the column "When your team takes you to the top, is there anywhere to go gut down"

Arrogant. Self-centered. Piece of crap.

Apparently we've abandoned the idea of "journalist" and the objectivity it entails. You want to write that front-running crap, go see if there's a position at the Boston Herald.

Scott said...

Bill Simmons is truly a giant douchebag. I'm glad you've created this blog. I saw a good quip somewhere on the intertron today that started thusly, "When Bill Simmons pulls his head out of Boston's sports collective ass...." I hate everything about Bill: his love of basketball (or rapsport or thuglife or whatever that shit played on basketball courts nowadays is), his constant referencing of shitty pop culture from bad movies to douchey television shows that normals love, his cornhole friends he constantly mentions.... I hope his family all sufferes from lupus

Stephanie and Evan said...

HAHAHAHA! This was so funny. My husband is obsessed with Bill Simmons, and I just read the article about his dog dying. I couldn't really get into the story because I was too pissed off about his bad grammar. So I googled, "Bill Simmons is a horrible writer," and this blog is what I got. I laughed so hard! I don't think my husband appreciated it though...

Oh well. Props to you!

qae said...

dude i totally agree with you. He is the biggest cunt on espn. He is always talkin shit about the colts and that ticks me off.

Steven said...

I couldn't agree with you more. I've been listening to his podcast lately, and it sucks so bad it's unbelievable. I really gave it a shot, too. Like for two weeks! Screw Bill Simmons and screw Boston.

kevin said...

I used to read Bill Simmons all the time because he wrote about non sports things that were interesting - the pop culture references, stories about Vegas trips, etc. But he has gotten really lame in the last few years, and is not funny anymore. I think you nailed it - he is pussy whipped. For something very funny - check out the Adam Carolla podcast, which at times is amazing.

Alan said...

This is too, too funny. BS's wife must secretly be sleeping with Kobe, otherwise I don't understand from whence his Kobe hate originates. And, yes, he is a Boston "homer" of the first rank.

theangrychef said...

Fuck Bill Simmons, I've never seen a writer more determined to shit on teams or players (Kobe recently) he hates while forgiving players and teams he likes.

I loved Shaq, but he was fat and lazy, and always showed up to camp out of shape. He was great, but not nearly as great as he could have been if he had Kobe's drive--and that's why Buss didn't side with him.

I think Simmons hates Kobe even more because of this 4th title, and because Kobe IS the hardest working baller playing. The only other player who ever had Kobe's kind of drive to win is you-know-who.

A said...

I agree completely. F--k Bill Simmons, he cant write for shit. And screw his stupid superficial, materialistic and self absorbed celebrity drama loving wife as well. Bill you are a loser. Oh and Bill, can you say 2009 NBA World Champion LA Lakers?

LA said...

I just think it's funny that people are posting spiteful comments on a two-year old blog that hasn't been updated in over a year. I'm sure Simmons has seen this and gotten a good laugh from it, just like all popular writers do when they read comments from people who can't write their way out of the fifth grade and have the nerve to criticize them.

chris said...

Bravo sir!

Having Bill Simmons tabbed "The Sports Guy" pissed me off from the moment I saw his smarmy mug on the front page of ESPN, or on Page2, or on whatever cursed page on that site first bore his stench.

No one so blatantly provincial should have such a universal appellation.

Count me firmly in the camp of The Enemies of Bill Simmons. And I'm right in his target demo, I'm sure. 31, white, male, mildly sports-obsessed. Nevertheless, he's a douche.

sptrfn said...

I agree with you about Bill being pussy whipped. It seems like his wife wears the pants in his relationship. He doesn't understand women, and neither do a lot of the delusional losers that write into his mailbag. Him and a lot of those people put too much value in hot women, from what I gather.

That being said, I don't mind him too much. He can be pretty funny at times. And, after reading a preview, I think that the Basketball Book he wrote was entertaining, although he seems to have a grudge against Wilt Chamberlain.

Rooney said...

after reading his book, all I can say is I wish Isaiah had kicked his ass!

Jay Sanin said...

totally agree with all of it. he was so much better before he was given access to everything other ESPN people get. Only think i disagree with is the TMQ part, he's really bad too because he talks about science in his columns...don't care.

jaysanin.blogspot.com
this is better than simmons

Mike said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rob420bie said...

I am from Boston and agree that Bill Simmons is a total turd. You however are a cunt, which is far worse than a total turd. Let me see, you started a blog about how much you hate him...that makes you fucking pathetic.
Of course you hate Boston, because this city matters, much of this country's business would not go on without this city. Unlike the city of Indianapolis which could disappear and no one would give a fuck and nothing would even change.
Everyone from Boston is a racist huh? Why don't you come here and let me deposit your teeth into the back of your throat you bitch.
Although you cannot be blamed for being such a maggot...you're in LA. Quite possibly the most useless city in all the world. What does LA provide to this world other than fake ass people and fucking rality TV? The answer; nothing.
Eat my hairy asshole you dick licking faggot.

fooler6 said...

rob420bie,really, explain how Boston is "more important" than Indianapolis or L.A.? Indianapolis is one of the largest cities in American for interstate logistics and distribution centers, which includes companies such as FedEx, Amazon.com, and Target. Also, where do you think all of those products that you buy come from? They are imported from the Asian countries into L.A., the largest trade center for imports. What is Boston good for? The Big Dig (oh yeah, I forgot, that project was a huge failure)? Without the major universities in Boston, your city is really useless? Boston is just New York's little sister.

fooler6 said...

Anyway, I'm not from Boston, L.A., or Indianapolis for that matter. I can't stand that D-bag Simmons, and I don't understand why ESPN gave him so much power. As previously said, he is one of the most arrogant, childish, cowardly, and most unprofessional "sportswriters," that are on the internet. I wouldn't even consider him a sportswriter, more like a "Boston Sports Fan Blogger." He abuses his power by picking on certain players, teams, cities, people, and it is really sad that this is what sports journalism has come to. His public hatred for Kobe, the Colts, the Manning's is really disgusting and is why sports journalism needs to be censored, especially for a large network like ESPN.

fooler6 said...

Oh yeah and to Boston fans, remember one thing: Karma is a bitch. Remember, before this past decade you were the laughing stock of the sports world and many people even felt sorry for you fans because your teams never won shit. You guys win several championships, and all of the sudden you fans turn into a bunch of arrogant jerks, like every year the Celtics, Patriots, and Red Sox must win the championship, and if they don't then the world isn't right. Bill Simmons represents this typical Boston fan. I find it disgusting how he likes to pick on smaller sports markets, how he makes insulting jokes about coach's weights, how he makes references from Jersey Shore (I find it a bit creepy that a 40 year old watches that show), and not allowing people to even comment on his "articles." I guess he found out that the best way to win an argument is to not let other people respond. I'm not even sure why they call him the "Sports Guy," when he only covers the NFL, NBA, and MLB (only when the Red Sox are in contention). Boston fans have gotten a little carried away this past decade with all of the championships they won, and pretty soon that cities sports will be back to being pathetic and hopeless, like it usually was.

matt said...

holy f bill sucks so bad. have you seen him on tv? such a pussy doesnt have any confidence what a tool